Before I start talking about what I wanted to talk about in a bit, yes, this is another post related to my ex. Ha ha, much surprise there. I promise I'm not obsessed with him or the whole idea of only posting that has relations to him, but the timing always lines up with me wanting to write (or not be lazy) with me bumping into something that reminds me of him. Oh wells. I warned ya so feel free to close the tab if you're not up for yet another post relating to my ex!
If you're wondering - I've been okay. Just focusing on being happy with myself and for him, too, for that matter. There's progress so that's good :) Into this progress, I blocked out all sad songs/playlists and the Christmas-y vibes helps a lot, to be honest. I just want Christmas decorations and songs played in my house because they just make me so happy! Back to the topic, 8tracks has been my best friend with supplying with not only the best Christmas playlists for now but also with aligning the atmosphere with my mood. And that is how I 'bumped' into this song called "July" by Jhene Aiko ft. Drake.
At first, I was hooked to the beat and the melodious voice of Jhene but then after listening to it a couple of times, I realised that the lyrics just matches up with my relationship with him. Some of the lyrics that I could relate was these lines - '..this is so refreshing that it means a little more to me. Dedicating time when I really can't afford to be.' - This line stood out to me in the beginning because I knew that he meant a whole lot to me and I did him, but when he started college it became a little hectic for him to dedicate his time for me. Ja feel?
The next thing I realised actually took me some time even though it's literally the name itself - "July". This only occurred to me when the chorus came in and went, 'You had to change up the game, the weather is not the same. Now there's only cloudy days. I can't stand the rain in July.' These particular lines were to be made precise if my thoughts could articulate during July; the month where he started college and 'the game', or our relationship, changed. The only thing that I can compare to with the last line is my tears as the 'rain'. I really couldn't stand it. But now that I think of it, I'm so pathetic. I should've just trusted him and remind him we'll be okay every single day.
Okay so to brighten up the mood a little, this next line is quite funny. Well, to me it is because it actually happened and it goes, 'Plus you met my mother even if it was an accident.' This is funny to me because for the longest time in our relationship, he would not let me meet his mother because she does not tolerate him mingling around with girls so to have me, his girlfriend at the time, meet his mother was never a serious topic. But we'd always joke around about it and occasionally, he would assure me one day he'd introduce me to his mother. That day never came, but that didn't stop me from meeting her hehe. So the story goes like this - one of his kitty died tragically and I found out about this from his younger brother, A. He called bawling his eyes out telling me that his kitty had passed away :( I felt horrible and so sad for him and his sister that I wanted to give them a huuuuge hug! Coincidentally, we had to send my sister's friend to her house which was located in the same area as A's house so I thought 'why not?' Fast forward, I met my ex's younger siblings, we all hugged, and his mother came out (fyi, this was at 11 at night. Sorry umi S). There's more to the story but this post would be long and out of context real fast.
The other lines that I could relate to was the typical 'what happened to us?' kind of lyrics. If you wanna hear em out, the song is really dope. It has a calm mood to it but with the refreshing upbeat, it balances out the whole song. And because of that, I won't be emotional or start thinking of me and him every time I hear the song. It's an overall great song.
And yes, I know. There's other songs that I could relate to. There's literally 26351 playlists with the tag 'breakup' on them. But I'd like to think that Jhene and I are on the same level (huehe perasan jap).
Anyways, thank you for reading.
Till next time,
x
**UPDATE: I finished my IGCSEs already so yayayayayayy okbye.
Friday 27 November 2015
Wednesday 11 November 2015
It's personal, myself and I
Like the song goes in Fergie's 'Big Girls Don't Cry', myself and I need some straightening out to do. If any of you have read my last post, you'd know I wasn't pleased with my attitude and how I handled my last relationship.. even after we broke up. I was a straight up mess and I got lost in the midst of trying to be expressive but really I was just aggressive.
I've decided to take my time to think clearly about what my actions meant to me as it had to him (my ex). Sitting alone in one spot in Starbucks, with my earphones in, while I try to balance out accounts seemed to make my mind wander about how it's so easy to be caught up with your own world with only a significant barrier of tiny blocks to, well, block us from reality. And in this case, that significance barrier was my inability to trust the person I love.
It's so easy to say that once you're in a secure relationship, and that everything looks like rainbows and sunshine, all you gotta do is not cheat and do something stupid to mess it up. But as the so-called 'honeymoon phase' wears out, the tendency to have the 'nah, it's cool. S/he is mine already so i can do whatever I want' mentality is pretty strong. Not to say that I didn't care about wanting to keep the spark or maintain the adoration, but I saw it as if that we were already perfect for each other and we've got all our lives planned out in the span of time of just getting to know each other. Which was, in my case, not that long. So as time passes by in our relationship, I started to be more confident in him to not pass any boundaries (which he didn't). But I also started to over speculate about the littlest things and blatantly spoke what came in my head without seeing the bigger picture.
That was strike 1.
It was after he left for college when things started to go down the drain because ever since then, in my mind, his schedule would only be familiar with the words: Pray, Sleep, Eat, Class, Assignment. And at first, I understood that things were going to change like how we won't be talking to each other as often and we both need to realise our priorities. These changes did not affect me as much in the first month, but not knowing what he was doing and who he was talking to led to countless, wasted hours in bed over thinking. And on top of that, his workload is stack after stack of homework so by the time he'd be done with that, he needs his beauty sleep (& this is true. He can even confirm that himself). So our time communicating with each other lessens over time and this, somehow, struck a chord in me that my past relationships did not work out, or even end well, because our communication level was low. So with that in mind, adding the fact that we couldn't and wouldn't talk to each other for most of that day and would only have a short typical conversation about our day, I thought it would be best to let my sappy feelings on Twitter.
That was strike 2.
Fast forward, I asked for a break between us to have our own space and clear our mind about anything we needed our mind to clear. What made me finalise this decision was the endless days of ending my nights crying myself to sleep just because he did nothing but everything he was supposed to do. I let the unwanted thoughts get to me and it completely changed my whole perspective of our relationship. With him being away from me, and the minimal times we would meet, I let myself believe that he wanted to end things with me but wouldn't dare to do the deed himself. That kept circulating my mind and made me go mad. I began to blame him for not dividing his time for me, family, homework, his spare time to relax properly and he fumed over that. But really, who wouldn't? Every single time he would explain and remind me that he's trying his best to even talk to me, I won't have any of that and it's from then on where I planted the thought that my boyfriend was to be distrusted.
That was strike 3.
For now, I'm going to focus on trying to be an overall better person and pray, pray and PRAY that N could only forgive me.
Time to be with myself and I now.
x
I've decided to take my time to think clearly about what my actions meant to me as it had to him (my ex). Sitting alone in one spot in Starbucks, with my earphones in, while I try to balance out accounts seemed to make my mind wander about how it's so easy to be caught up with your own world with only a significant barrier of tiny blocks to, well, block us from reality. And in this case, that significance barrier was my inability to trust the person I love.
It's so easy to say that once you're in a secure relationship, and that everything looks like rainbows and sunshine, all you gotta do is not cheat and do something stupid to mess it up. But as the so-called 'honeymoon phase' wears out, the tendency to have the 'nah, it's cool. S/he is mine already so i can do whatever I want' mentality is pretty strong. Not to say that I didn't care about wanting to keep the spark or maintain the adoration, but I saw it as if that we were already perfect for each other and we've got all our lives planned out in the span of time of just getting to know each other. Which was, in my case, not that long. So as time passes by in our relationship, I started to be more confident in him to not pass any boundaries (which he didn't). But I also started to over speculate about the littlest things and blatantly spoke what came in my head without seeing the bigger picture.
That was strike 1.
It was after he left for college when things started to go down the drain because ever since then, in my mind, his schedule would only be familiar with the words: Pray, Sleep, Eat, Class, Assignment. And at first, I understood that things were going to change like how we won't be talking to each other as often and we both need to realise our priorities. These changes did not affect me as much in the first month, but not knowing what he was doing and who he was talking to led to countless, wasted hours in bed over thinking. And on top of that, his workload is stack after stack of homework so by the time he'd be done with that, he needs his beauty sleep (& this is true. He can even confirm that himself). So our time communicating with each other lessens over time and this, somehow, struck a chord in me that my past relationships did not work out, or even end well, because our communication level was low. So with that in mind, adding the fact that we couldn't and wouldn't talk to each other for most of that day and would only have a short typical conversation about our day, I thought it would be best to let my sappy feelings on Twitter.
That was strike 2.
Fast forward, I asked for a break between us to have our own space and clear our mind about anything we needed our mind to clear. What made me finalise this decision was the endless days of ending my nights crying myself to sleep just because he did nothing but everything he was supposed to do. I let the unwanted thoughts get to me and it completely changed my whole perspective of our relationship. With him being away from me, and the minimal times we would meet, I let myself believe that he wanted to end things with me but wouldn't dare to do the deed himself. That kept circulating my mind and made me go mad. I began to blame him for not dividing his time for me, family, homework, his spare time to relax properly and he fumed over that. But really, who wouldn't? Every single time he would explain and remind me that he's trying his best to even talk to me, I won't have any of that and it's from then on where I planted the thought that my boyfriend was to be distrusted.
That was strike 3.
A little after the first month of him in college, I called him up and said it'd be best if we broke up. Mind you guys, I still pray and wish that I could go back and assure him that we both would be okay instead of blaming him for everything and end things so quickly. But he agreed. The break up was mutual and we both promised that we wouldn't have any harsh feelings towards each other. I intended to keep that promise. And I still do. But my old habits of clinging onto him came back soon after and...... I guess I finally hit my senses that this wonderful human being is not mine anymore left me to do the obvious of the crazy woman behaviour and stalk him (being brutally honest here so don't judge). Soon, I found that he seemed to have moved on from me. That tore me to a million pieces but I lowkey still had the confidence that we'll be together again, happy ever after.
But I don't want to go into details now because there's more strikes than just three. This was a way for me to reflect at what I had done. Because as stupid as it sounds, I wasn't myself during my post breakup. And as much as I hoped I hadn't hurt him with my horrible personality, that's not even slightly close to how I've hurt myself. I had ruined my relationship with a genuine guy and most probably, my friendship with him as well. And that is all on me.
For now, I'm going to focus on trying to be an overall better person and pray, pray and PRAY that N could only forgive me.
Time to be with myself and I now.
x
Monday 9 November 2015
Closure
I messed up. I messed up big time. I let anger and frustrations and dissatisfaction get the best out of me and the results weren't pretty. I've never been one to hold grudges or keep anyone from their happiness just because things didn't plan out the way I had thought it would.
Seeing from my point of view these past couple of months towards the end of my recent relationship, I made myself to think that absence of a loved one equates to not caring (anymore), displeased with MY presence and simply wanting nothing to do with me anymore. The thought of that made me vulgar and unhappy - at him, at the time. I had told myself that I am the better person and that I deserved the attention and love. The mere changes of tone and character would often make me lash out to him unapologetically and leave him feeling nothing but guilt. But the shitty part is that I would make myself feel better by telling my dear self that this is not my fault and the fact that he is not somehow doing his part in our relationship is my way of saying that I am the "victim" of our downfall in our relationship.
How selfish of a human being had I been to not even hear him out and let him explain in the comfort of our own company before jumping to conclusions and how rude and pathetic I had been to indirectly attack him on social media where all of our friends were to clearly see and make a thousand and one assumptions of you in their head just by my 140-character tweet on Twitter.
And after all that, he still made me feel terrible. But in the most respectful and loving way possible. He made me feel terrible by gently but sternly making me realise, out of his knowledge about myself, that I've changed to be the person I swore I would never be. That my actions has led me to be a loathing monster of every single move he makes and keeping him from living his moved-on-from-his-crazy-ex life.
I felt terrible because, of course, I wasn't the slightest bit happy with myself. The long, well-phrased, and emotional text he sent made me feel terrible but also made me realise that I was one lucky girl. And still am. And I took it for granted. And I messed it up.
I guess I am writing this as a means of closure. Not wanting to end this on a bad note so as he said in the text, '..a far better person awaits you (me). Just get over it and be patient.'
Thank you for loving me when you could, N.
Seeing from my point of view these past couple of months towards the end of my recent relationship, I made myself to think that absence of a loved one equates to not caring (anymore), displeased with MY presence and simply wanting nothing to do with me anymore. The thought of that made me vulgar and unhappy - at him, at the time. I had told myself that I am the better person and that I deserved the attention and love. The mere changes of tone and character would often make me lash out to him unapologetically and leave him feeling nothing but guilt. But the shitty part is that I would make myself feel better by telling my dear self that this is not my fault and the fact that he is not somehow doing his part in our relationship is my way of saying that I am the "victim" of our downfall in our relationship.
How selfish of a human being had I been to not even hear him out and let him explain in the comfort of our own company before jumping to conclusions and how rude and pathetic I had been to indirectly attack him on social media where all of our friends were to clearly see and make a thousand and one assumptions of you in their head just by my 140-character tweet on Twitter.
And after all that, he still made me feel terrible. But in the most respectful and loving way possible. He made me feel terrible by gently but sternly making me realise, out of his knowledge about myself, that I've changed to be the person I swore I would never be. That my actions has led me to be a loathing monster of every single move he makes and keeping him from living his moved-on-from-his-crazy-ex life.
I felt terrible because, of course, I wasn't the slightest bit happy with myself. The long, well-phrased, and emotional text he sent made me feel terrible but also made me realise that I was one lucky girl. And still am. And I took it for granted. And I messed it up.
I guess I am writing this as a means of closure. Not wanting to end this on a bad note so as he said in the text, '..a far better person awaits you (me). Just get over it and be patient.'
Thank you for loving me when you could, N.
Friday 26 June 2015
This is the blog dot com (pun) ((geddit))
I started a blog. Yeap. That happened.
I never thought I would. But I did. So here I am. Don't judge, please?This will be my space, and only MY space. Not myspace. Just my space. I decided this blog will be filled with rants I can't type out fully on twitter with 140 characters or less. And nowadays, it seems, I'd have feelings wanting to be let out and random things to be spat out, but in a more private place, rather than on twitter where any one of my followers can see it and not really give a damn about it.
Here's to littlethingsifindnecessarytobeputupinablog!
x
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