Closure

I messed up. I messed up big time. I let anger and frustrations and dissatisfaction get the best out of me and the results weren't pretty. I've never been one to hold grudges or keep anyone from their happiness just because things didn't plan out the way I had thought it would.

Seeing from my point of view these past couple of months towards the end of my recent relationship, I made myself to think that absence of a loved one equates to not caring (anymore), displeased with MY presence and simply wanting nothing to do with me anymore. The thought of that made me vulgar and unhappy - at him, at the time. I had told myself that I am the better person and that I deserved the attention and love. The mere changes of tone and character would often make me lash out to him unapologetically and leave him feeling nothing but guilt. But the shitty part is that I would make myself feel better by telling my dear self that this is not my fault and the fact that he is not somehow doing his part in our relationship is my way of saying that I am the "victim" of our downfall in our relationship.

How selfish of a human being had I been to not even hear him out and let him explain in the comfort of our own company before jumping to conclusions and how rude and pathetic I had been to indirectly attack him on social media where all of our friends were to clearly see and make a thousand and one assumptions of you in their head just by my 140-character tweet on Twitter.

And after all that, he still made me feel terrible. But in the most respectful and loving way possible. He made me feel terrible by gently but sternly making me realise, out of his knowledge about myself, that I've changed to be the person I swore I would never be. That my actions has led me to be a loathing monster of every single move he makes and keeping him from living his moved-on-from-his-crazy-ex life.

I felt terrible because, of course, I wasn't the slightest bit happy with myself. The long, well-phrased, and emotional text he sent made me feel terrible but also made me realise that I was one lucky girl. And still am. And I took it for granted. And I messed it up.

I guess I am writing this as a means of closure. Not wanting to end this on a bad note so as he said in the text, '..a far better person awaits you (me). Just get over it and be patient.'

Thank you for loving me when you could, N.