I've decided to take my time to think clearly about what my actions meant to me as it had to him (my ex). Sitting alone in one spot in Starbucks, with my earphones in, while I try to balance out accounts seemed to make my mind wander about how it's so easy to be caught up with your own world with only a significant barrier of tiny blocks to, well, block us from reality. And in this case, that significance barrier was my inability to trust the person I love.
It's so easy to say that once you're in a secure relationship, and that everything looks like rainbows and sunshine, all you gotta do is not cheat and do something stupid to mess it up. But as the so-called 'honeymoon phase' wears out, the tendency to have the 'nah, it's cool. S/he is mine already so i can do whatever I want' mentality is pretty strong. Not to say that I didn't care about wanting to keep the spark or maintain the adoration, but I saw it as if that we were already perfect for each other and we've got all our lives planned out in the span of time of just getting to know each other. Which was, in my case, not that long. So as time passes by in our relationship, I started to be more confident in him to not pass any boundaries (which he didn't). But I also started to over speculate about the littlest things and blatantly spoke what came in my head without seeing the bigger picture.
That was strike 1.
It was after he left for college when things started to go down the drain because ever since then, in my mind, his schedule would only be familiar with the words: Pray, Sleep, Eat, Class, Assignment. And at first, I understood that things were going to change like how we won't be talking to each other as often and we both need to realise our priorities. These changes did not affect me as much in the first month, but not knowing what he was doing and who he was talking to led to countless, wasted hours in bed over thinking. And on top of that, his workload is stack after stack of homework so by the time he'd be done with that, he needs his beauty sleep (& this is true. He can even confirm that himself). So our time communicating with each other lessens over time and this, somehow, struck a chord in me that my past relationships did not work out, or even end well, because our communication level was low. So with that in mind, adding the fact that we couldn't and wouldn't talk to each other for most of that day and would only have a short typical conversation about our day, I thought it would be best to let my sappy feelings on Twitter.
That was strike 2.
Fast forward, I asked for a break between us to have our own space and clear our mind about anything we needed our mind to clear. What made me finalise this decision was the endless days of ending my nights crying myself to sleep just because he did nothing but everything he was supposed to do. I let the unwanted thoughts get to me and it completely changed my whole perspective of our relationship. With him being away from me, and the minimal times we would meet, I let myself believe that he wanted to end things with me but wouldn't dare to do the deed himself. That kept circulating my mind and made me go mad. I began to blame him for not dividing his time for me, family, homework, his spare time to relax properly and he fumed over that. But really, who wouldn't? Every single time he would explain and remind me that he's trying his best to even talk to me, I won't have any of that and it's from then on where I planted the thought that my boyfriend was to be distrusted.
That was strike 3.
A little after the first month of him in college, I called him up and said it'd be best if we broke up. Mind you guys, I still pray and wish that I could go back and assure him that we both would be okay instead of blaming him for everything and end things so quickly. But he agreed. The break up was mutual and we both promised that we wouldn't have any harsh feelings towards each other. I intended to keep that promise. And I still do. But my old habits of clinging onto him came back soon after and...... I guess I finally hit my senses that this wonderful human being is not mine anymore left me to do the obvious of the crazy woman behaviour and stalk him (being brutally honest here so don't judge). Soon, I found that he seemed to have moved on from me. That tore me to a million pieces but I lowkey still had the confidence that we'll be together again, happy ever after.
But I don't want to go into details now because there's more strikes than just three. This was a way for me to reflect at what I had done. Because as stupid as it sounds, I wasn't myself during my post breakup. And as much as I hoped I hadn't hurt him with my horrible personality, that's not even slightly close to how I've hurt myself. I had ruined my relationship with a genuine guy and most probably, my friendship with him as well. And that is all on me.
For now, I'm going to focus on trying to be an overall better person and pray, pray and PRAY that N could only forgive me.
Time to be with myself and I now.
x
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